Gentle Discipline: Dealing with Hitting

Dealing with hitting can be one of the hardest parts of raising a child. The hitting stage is one that nearly all children go through at some point. It is most common between the ages of 18-36 months, but can happen either side of that time frame. My 3-and-a-half year old totally bypassed it when he was little, but is now making up for lost time!

The hitting phase can be an incredibly difficult one to negotiate. As a parent, you can feel as though you have somehow failed. You may blame yourself for your child’s outbursts, and the strong outpouring of emotion from them can be very hard to cope with. Their unchecked anger and frustration can tap into emotions of our own that we’d forgotten we had. Their rage can subconsciously remind us of the rage we felt as children that may have been ignored, brushed off or punished.

Is it my fault?

The short answer – probably not. Of course, if the child has been exposed to violence – on the TV, in their own home, at playgroup or similar – that might well have had an effect. However, it is important to remember that even children who have never witnessed a violent act are still likely to lash out at some point. I know lots of people would disagree with me here, but I believe that aggression is a very normal, very human trait. Sometimes, lashing out feels like the only appropriate way to deal with rage, whether our logical brain would agree or not!

Why do little children hit?

Simply put, it’s because they haven’t yet learned a better way to express their big feelings. We’ve all been there before – when you are just so unbelievably cross that you just have to slam a door, or stomp up the stairs as loud as you can, or scream into a pillow. Young children have not yet developed a sense of impulse control, so they may well be physically incapable of restraining themselves in highly emotional situations. As they grow older, their ability to control their impulses improves.

Should I punish her?

I personally don’t believe that punishing children is a fruitful exercise at the best of times, let alone at a time so emotionally charged as this. At the same time, though, children of all ages do need to learn that hurting other people or animals is not okay. There are ways to deal with hitting which are reassuring, accepting, respectful and that will help them learn to cope with their big feelings without hurting others. The thing that always should be remembered about gentle discipline is that it’s not about “nipping it in the bud”. It’s about forming a strong connection of trust, love and respect between yourself and your child. It’s about being a team, not showing the kids who’s boss.

Furthermore, we must remember the above point made about impulse control. You may well be punishing a child who can’t actually stop themselves from hitting right now. By dealing with the hitting from a place of love and trust, and by assuming that your child is a good person who wants to please you, the hitting will happen less often (and cease altogether) as their ability to self-regulate improves.

OK, I get all of that, but what can I actually *do* when he hits?

WHY: Figure out why they are hitting. Are they hungry? Tired? Angry? Feeling insecure? Looking for attention? Have they had their game interrupted by a sibling or parent? Knowing the reason will help you deal with your child effectively and respectfully.

EMPATHISE: Lets use the game interruption scenario as an example. To us, play is just play. Doesn’t seem all that important. But to the child, play is their entire world. To them, their game is just as important as whatever errand you have to run that’s caused you to have to pull your child away from it. Of course, that is life and sometimes your child will have to go along with your plans rather than their own, but it wouldn’t hurt for us to remember how it must make them feel.

REFLECT & EXPLAIN: Get down to their level and connect with the child. With my preschooler, I say something like “I can see you’re very angry. You’re so angry because I made you stop playing so we can get ready to go into town. Being angry is okay, but it’s not okay to hit.” Sometimes, he won’t be ready to listen and will respond with shouting and/or more hitting. If this happens, I will physically remove myself from his area (whilst still remaining present) and tell him why I am doing so. If he is lashing out uncontrollably, I will sometimes have him sit in the hallway until he has calmed down. I am always careful to tell him that he is being removed from the room to keep us safe, and that he is welcome to return as soon as he feels he can stop hitting.

GIVE AN ALTERNATIVE: When they have calmed down enough to listen effectively, give them a short list of alternative ways to express their anger which are effective. You might encourage them to scream into a pillow, stomp their feet, express their anger verbally (“I AM SO CROSS! RAAAAH!”), draw their feelings, hit something soft like the sofa or a pillow… the possibilities are endless. They may laugh in the face of your alternative at first, but as time goes on it will sink in and one day, like my Monkey did the other day, they will surprise you by restraining themselves from hitting and doing something else instead.

FIND A SOLUTION: At some point (it needn’t be straight away, especially if emotions are still running high), talk with your child about what happened and why it happened, and what you can both do to help prevent it from happening again. Using the same example as above, the conversation might go something like this:

***

Mama: “You were very angry with me yesterday, and you hit me because you were so cross. Could you tell me what made you cross?”

Monkey: “I wanted to finish playing and you said no.”

Mama: “OK, so it made you feel very cross that I wouldn’t let you finish your game. It was very important to you and it made you feel sad and angry that we had to stop to go into town.”

Monkey: “Yes, I wanted to finish. I love playing cars.”

Mama: “OK honey. So, next time, when we have to go somewhere, I will tell you ten minutes before we have to go so you have time to finish your game. Do you think that would help?

Monkey: “Yes, tell me before. That’ll be good”

Mama: “Ok honey.Now, do you remember what happened when you got cross?”

Monkey: “I hit you mummy.”

Mama: “Yes, you did. Hitting hurts and it makes mummy feel sad. What do you think you could do next time to show me how angry you are, instead of hitting?”

Monkey: “Um… I could stomp my feet and SHOUT really really loud!”

Mama: “Yes, you could! That sounds like a great plan.”

***

Of course, the conversation you have with your little one will depend on how verbal they are. The problem solving is the most important step, because this is what will help prevent the situation happening again in the first place. Obviously, it may not be possible to do this with a very young child. In this instance, you will focus on encouraging them to use alternative means of self-expression.

Really, when you get down to it, it becomes clear that gentle discipline is about so much more than disciplining our children – it’s about disciplining ourselves. It’s about dealing with how their emotions affect us, and in turn how they affect our parenting. It’s also about patience – about accepting that ‘results’ aren’t the most important thing here. Yes, you will see results, your child will learn that hitting is not okay – but they will learn this without ever questioning your love for them, or the fact that they are just as important as anybody else

Continue reading here: For Sarah: Gentle Sleep Solutions, Part Two

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Readers' Questions

  • Riku
    How to stop a toddler from hitting in 3 simple steps gentle parenting?
    5 months ago
    1. Understand the Reason: Toddlers often hit as a way to express their emotions, communicate their needs, or seek attention. It is important to identify the underlying reason for their behavior in order to address it effectively. Observe the situations leading up to the hitting incidents and try to understand what triggers the behavior.
    2. Teach Alternative Behaviors: Instead of punishing or scolding the toddler for hitting, focus on teaching them appropriate ways to express their feelings or needs. Encourage them to use words to communicate their emotions, model gentle behavior, and provide them with specific examples of how to handle conflicts or frustrations peacefully.
    3. Offer Guidance and Support: Toddlers need guidance and support to learn and adopt new behaviors. During a hitting incident, gently intervene by calmly but firmly saying, "We don't hit. It hurts," and redirecting their attention to a new activity or providing a soothing distraction. Additionally, praise and reinforce positive behaviors when the toddler handles similar situations without hitting.
    4. Remember, establishing new behaviors takes time and consistency. By understanding your toddler's perspective, teaching alternatives, and providing guidance and support, you can gradually help them overcome their hitting behavior in a gentle and effective manner.
    • rachele manna
      How to stop toddler hitting 6 gentle parenting tips?
      5 months ago
      1. Stay calm and model appropriate behavior: It's important to stay calm and composed when your toddler hits you or others. Reacting with anger or aggression can only worsen the situation. Instead, model and reinforce gentle behavior by responding calmly, speaking softly, and using gentle touches.
      2. Teach alternative ways to express feelings: Toddlers often hit as a way to communicate their emotions or frustrations. Help them identify and label their feelings by using words such as "angry," "sad," or "frustrated." Encourage them to express these emotions through words or acceptable actions, such as using a stuffed animal to hit instead of a person.
      3. Provide an environment for constructive play: Provide your toddler with age-appropriate toys and activities that encourage constructive play. This can help channel their energy and redirect their aggressive behavior into more positive outlets.
      4. Set clear and consistent boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and consistently enforce them. Let your toddler know hitting is not acceptable and explain why it hurts others. Use simple and age-appropriate language to communicate these boundaries.
      5. Use positive reinforcement and praise: When your toddler expresses their emotions appropriately or refrains from hitting, praise their behavior and offer positive reinforcement. This can include words of encouragement, hugs, or small rewards.
      6. Offer comfort and teach empathy: Toddlers often hit when they are overwhelmed or seeking attention. Instead of scolding or punishing them, provide comfort and understanding. Teach them empathy by explaining how hitting can hurt and upset others, and encourage kindness and gentle behavior towards others.
      7. Remember, every child is different, and it may take time and patience to see changes in behavior. Be consistent and loving in your approach, and seek professional advice if you're concerned about your child's aggressive behavior.
      • Silke Kortig
        How to stop toddlers from hitting positive discipline gentle parenting?
        6 months ago
        1. Understand the reason behind the hitting: Toddlers may hit due to frustration, lack of communication skills, or imitating behavior they have observed. It is important to identify the trigger and address it accordingly.
        2. Model non-violent behavior: Make sure you do not resort to hitting as a form of discipline yourself. Toddlers learn by observing, so it's important to be a positive role model.
        3. Stay calm: Reacting with anger or aggression will only escalate the situation. Stay composed and respond in a calm manner.
        4. Remove the toddler from the situation: If your toddler hits another child or adult, gently remove them from that environment to help them calm down and prevent further harm.
        5. Use simple language and explanation: Young children may not fully understand the consequences of their actions. Use simple and age-appropriate language to explain why hitting is not acceptable behavior.
        6. Teach alternative ways to express feelings: Encourage your toddler to communicate their emotions using words. Help them label their feelings and guide them towards expressing themselves in healthier ways.
        7. Offer positive reinforcement: When your toddler uses non-violent methods to resolve conflicts or expresses their emotions in a positive way, acknowledge their efforts with praise and rewards. This encourages them to continue behaving appropriately.
        8. Encourage empathy: Help your toddler develop empathy by explaining how hitting can hurt others. Encourage them to think about how they would feel if someone hit them, and discuss alternative solutions for handling conflicts.
        9. Use time-outs: If necessary, use time-outs as a means of helping your toddler understand the consequences of their actions. Keep time-outs brief, around one minute per year of age.
        10. Seek guidance or support if needed: If you find your toddler's hitting behavior persists or becomes more aggressive, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a pediatrician, parenting counselor, or other knowledgeable professionals who can offer additional strategies and support.
        • marko
          How to discipline a child using gentle positive parenting for hitting and destruction?
          6 months ago
        • Disciplining a child using gentle positive parenting techniques for hitting and destruction involves understanding the underlying causes of such behavior, teaching appropriate alternatives, setting clear boundaries, and providing consistent guidance and support. Here's a step-by-step approach you can follow:
          1. Stay calm: It is important to remain calm and composed while addressing your child's behavior. Reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation and make it harder to find a resolution.
          2. Understand the triggers and causes: Try to identify the underlying causes of the hitting and destructive behavior. It could be frustration, lack of communication skills, seeking attention, or imitating behavior they have seen. Understanding the triggers will help you find appropriate ways to address the issue.
          3. Model appropriate behavior: Children learn by observing their parents and caregivers. Model appropriate behavior, use constructive language, and show them alternative ways to express emotions or deal with frustration.
          4. Set clear boundaries and expectations: Clearly communicate your expectations and boundaries regarding hitting and destruction. Let them know that these behaviors are not acceptable and explain the consequences that might follow.
          5. Teach empathy and emotions: Help your child understand their emotions and develop empathy towards others. Teach simple techniques like taking deep breaths or using their words to express how they feel.
          6. Provide alternatives: Instead of hitting or destroying items, help your child find alternative ways to cope with their emotions or express themselves. Suggest healthy outlets like drawing, writing, talking, or engaging in physical activities.
          7. Use positive reinforcement: Encourage and praise your child when they demonstrate appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement can motivate them to continue making good choices.
          8. Implement natural or logical consequences: If your child does engage in hitting or destructive actions, implement natural or logical consequences that are age-appropriate and relevant to the behavior. For example, if they break a toy, they might lose playing privileges for a certain period or be responsible for repairing or replacing it.
          9. Communicate and reflect: After the incident has calmed down, have a calm, open discussion with your child about their actions, the consequences, and alternative choices. Reflecting on the situation together allows them to develop insight and understanding.
          10. Offer support and guidance: Remember, discipline is a way to guide and teach your child. Show them love, understanding, and support throughout the process. Encourage open communication, active listening, and problem-solving together.
          11. Remember that every child is unique, and different strategies may work for different children. Use these steps as a general guideline and adapt them to suit your child's specific needs and personality.
          • mattia
            How to stop a child from hitting and get control of emotions parenting gentle parenting?
            7 months ago
          • Handling a child who hits others can be a challenging situation, but practicing gentle and effective parenting techniques can help you guide your child towards better behavior. Here are some tips to help you stop a child from hitting and gain control of their emotions:
            1. Stay calm: It's important to remain calm and composed when addressing your child's hitting behavior. Responding with anger or frustration might escalate the situation further.
            2. Validate emotions: Acknowledge your child's emotions by saying things like, "I can see you are feeling angry/frustrated/upset right now." Help them identify and express their emotions appropriately without resorting to hitting.
            3. Teach empathy: Help your child understand how their hitting behavior affects others. Encourage them to think about how the other person might feel if they were hit.
            4. Set clear expectations: Establish clear and consistent rules about hitting. Clearly communicate that hitting is not acceptable and explain the consequences of such behavior.
            5. Provide alternative strategies: Teach your child alternative ways to express their emotions. Encourage them to use words, breathing exercises, or physical activities like jumping or squeezing a stress ball to manage their feelings.
            6. Offer guidance and redirection: When you see your child becoming frustrated or on the verge of hitting, redirect their attention towards a more positive activity or help them verbalize what they are feeling.
            7. Use positive reinforcement: Praise and reward your child when they handle their emotions appropriately without resorting to hitting. This can motivate them to continue practicing self-control.
            8. Establish a peaceful environment: Create a calm and peaceful atmosphere at home. Avoid yelling or using physical punishment, as these can contribute to aggressive behavior in children.
            9. Lead by example: Show your child how to manage your own emotions calmly and constructively. They learn a lot from observing your behavior.
            10. Seek professional help if needed: If the hitting behavior persists or escalates despite your efforts, consider seeking guidance from a pediatrician, child therapist, or other professionals who specialize in child behavior.
            11. Remember, changing behavior takes time, consistency, and patience. Be a supportive and understanding parent to help your child navigate their emotions and learn appropriate ways to express themselves.
            • temesgen
              How to deal with hitting as a gentle parent?
              7 months ago
            • As a gentle parent, it is important to approach the issue of hitting with empathy, understanding, and gentle discipline techniques. Here are some steps on how to deal with hitting as a gentle parent:
              1. Stay calm: Take a deep breath and stay composed while addressing the situation. It is essential to model calm behavior for your child.
              2. Acknowledge the feelings: Show empathy and validate your child's emotions. Say something like, "I can see that you're feeling angry/frustrated, but hitting is not okay."
              3. Set clear boundaries: Clearly communicate that hitting is not an acceptable way to express themselves. Use simple and age-appropriate language to explain why hitting is hurtful and wrong.
              4. Offer alternative outlets: Teach your child alternative ways to express their feelings without resorting to hitting. Encourage them to use their words, take deep breaths, or engage in other calming activities like drawing, using a stress ball, or taking a break.
              5. Teach problem-solving skills: Guide your child in finding solutions to their problems or conflicts in a non-violent manner. Encourage open communication and help them brainstorm options to resolve issues peacefully.
              6. Provide positive reinforcement: Praise and reward your child when they handle conflicts or express their emotions in a gentle way. Positive reinforcement will encourage them to continue using non-violent methods of communication.
              7. Lead by example: Remember that your child learns from watching you. Model gentle behavior when dealing with your own frustrations or conflicts. Show them how to solve problems respectfully and manage emotions effectively.
              8. Offer comfort and reassurance: After addressing the hitting behavior, offer comfort and remind your child that they are still loved. Reinforce positive behavior and remind them that even when they make mistakes, they have the opportunity to learn and grow.
              9. Remember that gentle parenting is an ongoing process, and consistency plays a crucial role. It takes time for children to learn and change their behaviors, so be patient and understanding throughout the process.
              • ALVISA
                When a child hits can you be gentle?
                7 months ago
              • Yes, it is important to be gentle when interacting with a child, especially when addressing discipline or correcting their behavior. Instead of reacting with anger or aggression, it is advisable to respond with understanding, patience, and compassion. Physical force or retaliation should be avoided in order to maintain a safe and nurturing environment for the child.
                • Jan
                  Why not hitting in gentle parenting?
                  8 months ago
                • Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that prioritizes empathy, understanding, and respectful communication with children. It promotes non-violence and avoids using physical force, such as hitting, as a disciplinary measure. The reasons why hitting is not encouraged in gentle parenting can be summarized as follows:
                  1. Emotional well-being: Hitting or physical aggression can cause emotional harm to children, damaging their sense of safety and security. Gentle parenting aims to create a loving, nurturing environment where children feel safe and respected.
                  2. Development of trust: Gentle parenting strives to build a strong bond of trust between parent and child. Hitting erodes trust, as it communicates a lack of respect and empathy, and can lead to fear and anxiety.
                  3. Positive discipline: Gentle parenting emphasizes the use of positive discipline techniques that focus on teaching, guiding, and setting appropriate boundaries, rather than using punitive measures. Hitting is a punitive action that does not effectively teach children appropriate behavior or problem-solving skills.
                  4. Modeling behavior: Children learn from observing their parents' actions. If hitting is used as a disciplinary tool, children may internalize that aggression and violence are acceptable ways to resolve conflicts. Gentle parenting aims to model peaceful and respectful behavior.
                  5. Long-term effects: Numerous studies have revealed the negative consequences of corporal punishment, such as increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health issues. Gentle parenting recognizes the importance of nurturing a child's overall well-being and aims to foster healthy emotional development.
                  6. It is important to note that every parenting approach is unique, and different methods work for different families. However, gentle parenting promotes non-violence and prioritizes the emotional and psychological well-being of children.