All parents have limits. Even the most patient, connected, attached parents can reach the point when they are ready to hurl themselves out of the window from sheer sleep-deprivation-induced insanity. Anybody who has me on their facebook friends list will know that recently I have been dealing with some serious nightwaking, and I admit that at times (always at 3am after the 6273647626th waking of the night) I have wondered whether I could continue in my efforts to never let my baby cry it out.
For gentle, tear-free ways to help encourage your baby to sleep,
click here.
I know that our sleep issues will soon resolve themselves – in the meantime I am doing all I can to ensure I get enough rest to be able to cope with Squishy’s night time needs. I am so very glad that we stuck to our principles and refused to train him. My oldest son, Monkey, was also seemingly allergic to sleep in the first year of his life, and I am proud to say that he also was never left to cry himself to sleep, no matter how many times he awoke (it was a lot, by the way).
This difficult stage in our lives has really made me think about why I make the parenting choices that I make. During the recent height of Squishy’s sleepless stage (try saying that at speed when you’re sleep deprived) I read lots of books and online articles about babies and sleep, the majority of them by people who hold the same parenting philosophy as I do. However, it was the articles and books written by the CIO/Controlled Crying advocates that really cemented my belief that sleep-training babies is wrong. Now I feel that I can really put into words the reasons why I don’t subscribe to this night-time baby training business – and here they are.
(A side note – dealing with nightwaking is HARD. I know that. I am one of those people who NEEDS sleep, and having two children who didn’t (and don’t) seem to need much has been difficult and has shown me sides of myself that I don’t much care for. Please don’t think that I am one of these mums who preaches from her pedestal having not experienced just how tough it can be – I know. I’ve been there, and I’m still there now. I am not saying that we should all joyfully leap out of our beds a million times a night to tend to our babies, and I am all for gentle ways to encourage our babies to sleep better when they are physiologically and emotionally ready. What I am not, and never will be down with is the systematic and prolonged abandonment of children left to ‘teach themselves to sleep’.)
Reason #1 – It’s Not Fair
This may get some peoples’ backs up but quite frankly, I’m not worried about that. I don’t care how you dress it up; leaving little babies to cry by themselves in a dark room is not fair. Period. Most of them aren’t crying because they are ‘frustrated due to learning a new skill’ (falling asleep alone), as I read in one book. They DEFINITELY aren’t crying because they are devious little manipulators. They are crying because they need the comfort and love of a parent, and that need is as real and as valid as their need for food.
I am not talking about leaving a baby to grumble for five minutes before falling asleep – we all know babies that seem to need that 5-minute wind-down time alone (not that either of mine have been like that). A few minutes of fussing is completely different to prolonged, distressed screaming night after night from a confused, frightened and lonely child. Babies don’t understand that mama is exhausted and needs sleep – all they understand are the overwhelming feelings of need; of emotional pain and longing. We may know that our babies are safe in their rooms, but they do not know this. Their instincts are telling them that they are alone, and therefore in great danger.
No sane parent makes choices for their kids that they don’t believe are in their children’s best interest. I am not saying that parents who use these methods are intrinsically cruel; I am saying that the methods themselves are cruel. There’s a reason why it is so hard, and why it feels so damn wrong to leave a baby to cry – because it IS wrong. Listen to your hearts, mamas.
Reason #2 – It Doesn’t Work Long-Term
Using sleep-training methods, be they the good ol’ CIO method or the supposedly more humane Controlled Crying (ugh), are short-term solutions. With most babies they do ‘work’, in that within a few nights the baby will probably be sleeping alone and for longer stretches. But what happens when baby gets sick or is teething? What happens when the family takes a holiday somewhere and the routine gets messed up? They have to do the whole stinking awful process all over again. Children who have learnt healthy sleep habits in their own time, in an environment of love and respect, will be much more capable of slipping in and out of routine without much uproar. Co-sleeping babies will usually sleep anywhere, as long as they have a warm body to snuggle up against.
When we sign up for parenthood, we don’t expect to be excused from our responsibility to our children between the hours of 7pm and 7am.
Reason #3 – It’s Dangerous
When a child cries, cortisol floods the body to help the child deal with the stress they are under. The rush of cortisol creates a fight-or-flight response in the body, putting the child under a lot of emotional and physical strain. Being subjected to this over and over again can be very damaging. Research suggests that children who have been conditioned to high levels of cortisol may be more prone to aggression later in life.
It makes sense, really. A baby’s brain is constantly growing and making new connections. By allowing this stress response in the body repeatedly, you are allowing the brain to become accustomed to stress and hardship.
In addition to this, it must be noted that it is normal for babies to sleep lightly, and for short periods. It is thought that the baby being in too deep a sleep, unable to rouse herself when experiencing a normal episode of apnoea, may cause some SIDS deaths. Sleep training teaches babies to sleep for long periods of time, and this is unnatural. It is better to find ways to cope with the lack of sleep (co-sleeping, daytime naps, early nights) than it is to try to change what is natural and normal behaviour for the baby.
There has not been enough research done to prove that sleep training harms children, BUT there is also not enough to prove that it does no harm. And that isn’t a risk I am willing to take.
Reason #4 – You Risk Losing your Baby’s Trust
Our babies rely on us for everything. They are small, helpless little creatures that are completely at our mercy. The trust that they have for us is a precious gift, given to us when we give birth to them. Our babies believe that we will be there for them unconditionally, so when we refuse to parent them in the same way at night as we do in the daytime – answering their cries, cuddling when they are sad, feeding them when they are hungry – they become confused. I refuse to risk breaking that sacred bond of trust that is formed at birth.
There has not been enough research done to prove that sleep training harms children, BUT there is also not enough to prove that it does no harm. And that isn’t a risk I am willing to take.
Reason #5 – It’s Unnatural
Like I’ve previously mentioned in this post, there’s a reason why sleep training is hard. The cry of your child is a sound that penetrates every single part of your body. The sound causes your blood pressure to rise and your pulse to race. To comfort your crying baby is a compelling, biological urge. Answering your baby’s call does not make you weak and it certainly doesn’t mean you are spoiling them. To want to comfort your baby is natural, normal and desirable.
Reason #6 – It Negatively Affects Breastfeeding
If a mama is nursing her baby, it is especially important that she feeds often at night. Levels of prolactin are higher at night time, and this hormone is responsible for milk production. In the case of younger babies (<6months old), cue feeding at night is imperative for their continued growth, health and for maintaining mum’s supply. Scheduling feeds at any time, let alone under the age of 6 months – or even night weaning, as some baby trainers suggest – is damaging to the breastfeeding relationship and may even result in babies failing to thrive (FTT). If night weaning must be done, it shouldn’t be attempted until the baby is at LEAST twelve months old.
Over the age of 6 months, and once the baby has an interest in solid foods (this may come much later than 6 months), feeding at night is still important. Babies of this age are very busy little creatures – Ooh mummy, look at THIS! There’s DADDY! Ooh, the doorbell rang! What’s big brother doing? - therefore they may not spend as much time at the breast in the day time as they need to in order to get what they need. So, they make up for it at night. It’s called Reverse Cycling, and it’s normal at this age. By refusing to feed them during the night you could be depriving them of necessary nutrients, even if they appear to ‘tank up’ during the day. Breastmilk cannot be quantified, so there is no way of telling if they’ve had ‘enough’.
Reason #7 – It Sets The Tone for Future Parenting
Would I miss my son’s music recital/appearance in a play/football game/etc because I was tired and it was inconvenient to go? And would I try to convince myself that it was for his own good, so that he did’t become too reliant on me? No. I would make sure I could be there, even if it meant re-shuffling my schedule or missing a much-needed opportunity for a nap, because by not going I would be letting him down. Why is nighttime parenting any different? When we sign up for parenthood, we don’t expect to be excused from our responsibility to our children between the hours of 7pm and 7am.
Reason #8 – It Impairs your Connection with your Child
The bond between mother and child is natural, but it also needs to be nurtured. Why spend all day making an effort to be present with your child; to connect with them and bond with them only to test that attachment to its absolute limit that very night? Continued abandonment at night will help erode that connection you work so hard to create and maintain.
After a busy day, we can all feel that connection fade. I figure it must be better to end the day snuggled up in bed with your babe (whether you have a family bed, or just snuggle to sleep before placing them in the crib), enabling you to reconnect with them, than to end it listening to them cry themselves to sleep.
For gentle, tear-free ways to help encourage your baby to sleep,
click here
What are your reasons for refusing to sleep-train your baby?
About Imogen
Fab article. Will share this.
I have to sit through Baby Groups listening to mums going on about how much their little one slept last night and the week before and how often they woke etc and how they might give this ‘crying technique’ a go… >_< I don't know how to handle this. I feel it's not my place but then nobody gives those little souls a voice either. *sigh*
*sigh* yes, i know what you mean. trying to find a way to inform without alienating is SO hard. It’s like they don’t realise that their babies are whole, real human beings
Thanks so much for commenting!
I had to leave a popular baby forum because I so badly wanted other moms to know that you don’t have to resort to CIO to help your baby sleep, but I was only met with huge hostility and resistance. It was really heartbreaking to hear of new mom’s being told that their 3 week old was ‘learning bad habits’ and ‘trying to manipulate them’. I really wanted to spread the word about love, and compassion, but apparently love and compassion are highly controversial in our society. It is too bad. I have met success with some of the strategies in “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” and I agree that sometimes the Baby B “Balance” has to come into play, but I really wish that people wouldn’t use the argument all the time “every family is different, and you have to do what is right for your family,” because based on the real science behind baby brain development it is never ‘right’ to leave your newborn to cry for hours in order to train them to sleep.
Isn’t it funny that a society that claims love and compassion is over-rated but in the same breath say that slapping your kid on the hand is child abuse? I let my baby cry last night. I was in two hours and I couldn’t take it any more! I had to hold him and tell him I love him. It made me cry and made me feel like absolute crap when he got comfortable with me and started to sleep, He woke up in a panic and started screaming, thinking since he was falling asleep I was going to put him in his crib again. I told my husband that morning, I a not doing that any more. They notice. They realize what you are doing and they can tell you are not there. We have the instinct to nurture for a reason and now I feel terrible about doing that to my beautiful Gabriel. Society needs to realize that nurture just means they are going to love you more. I’m not going to subject my son to a whole night of crying, hysterically, for my benefit. Two hours have put a dent in our bond and I will never let that happen again.
Thanks, I needed to read this today. I am so conflicted about sleep. I want to sleep so badly but I also want to be a responsive parent. I want to comfort my baby without resenting her. We almost let her CIO the other night without advance planning. We were just so frustrated when she woke up crying when I put her down after a midnight feeding, and my husband and I, from our bed 4 feet away from her crib decided to let her cry and see what happened. (She had recently turned 6mo so were within the “acceptable” window of what most people say about CIO).
My heart vibrated with every cry. Her cry changed from one that was familiar and tolerable to a brand new echelon of scream. After about 15 mins, my husband rescued her. She didn’t calm right away like she usually does when picked up. When I took over the comforting, she started to calm but her breathing was irregular for a long time afterwards. I won’t ever let her do that again even if it means I don’t get to sleep for an 8 hour stretch for the next 2 years.
I know how you feel; it’s so hard. I think there’s a general tone of ‘who cares about mum’ within the online AP community sometimes. Sleep IS important, and you can’t carry on with zero sleep for long. That’s why it’s so important to find ways of making sure that you get enough rest without the baby having to be trained, you know?
I once did similar with my oldest, and it was awful. Big hugs to you mama. Would co-sleeping be an option for you? Just to make it easier to do the night feedings?
I just quickly read your post. I am going through the same thing with my DS. Not that I exactly want to try the CIO method,but,by making the mistake and reading some posts on how to get baby to sleep and exactly how and how much a 4 month old “should” be sleeping and all the “rules” on how to get them to sleep exactly so,I have been wondering if I’m doing my son a disservice by not putting a more strict sleep routine/sleep train-type thing onto him. He has been having sucha hard time getting in any real naps,lately,often sleeping only 30 minutes a few times a day. We can’t get him to sleep before 8pm and he’s always up by 5:30-6am. We swaddle him,rock him,shush him,try to comfort him the best we can,but he screams,twists,and generally fights us longer and longer as the day goes on! I was almost convinced,in ready these “remedies” that I was doing everything wrong and needed to be more firm with him. Thankfully,I came across this list to help me remember why sleep training is a no-win solution. I have worked too hard,these last 4 1/2 months to build a bond of love and trust between us,I don’t want to sever it in a week.
He may be in some kind of pain. He could be teething, or he may have gas. My nephew cut his first tooth at 2 months, so it’s not unheard of. Try giving him Hylands teething tablets. It took a couple of times for them to start working well for my daughter, but they are fantastic! If you think it may be gas, I think gripe water is good for that (I’m not sure, my baby is a fantastic farter and burper). If it’s just pure exhaustion, try wearing him and going for a walk. Or invest in a swing. You can also try white noise, like a running vacuum cleaner. This trick worked well for my daughter. I would swaddle her and turn on white noise (I found some online) really loudly and would rock her until she calmed down.
You’ll figure it out! Remember, putting him down and walking away for a few minutes if you are getting upset, angry, or frustrated is okay too. Take some time to calm down, or tag team with your partner. Good luck!
You make me feel better about how we’ve handled our baby waking up. Lots of cuddles, rocking or sleeping in our bed. My mum and friends have spent the past year lecturing me for not leaving her to cry and it’s really pissed me off! Nice to hear someone on my side for a change.
And my baby sorted herself out and sleeps through now because SHE wants to, not because we forced her to! Much nicer than hearing her scream and sob.
It broke my heart when I heard a woman say “I just need to let him cry it out” in reference to her 2 month old. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had moments of “maybe I’m supposed to let her get herself to sleep” and then I remember that ahe still needs me. Though, it is frustrating when my friends that have sleep trained brag about how they simply lay their babe in the crib and they sleep 10 hours, meanwhile I am a super attached mama and don’t even own a crib. But they are the ones that lose out on that bonding/cuddle/watch baby sleep time. They aren’t babies forever, my mother didn’t rock me to sleep in high school
Two months??
That’s heartbreaking.
I admit I sometimes feel jealous of these mums that, like you said, can lay the baby in the crib and not hear a peep out of them until morning but honestly? I’d miss my baby. We tried putting Squish to bed upstairs for the first time the other night, hoping for some adult time, but we both missed him so much that as soon as he woke for a feed we bought him straight back downstairs with us, haha. Like you said, the time is so fleeting. It’s important to soak up every last little bit of baby that you can.
My first was one that woke up every 45 minutes all.night.long. AND the only thing that would get him back to sleep was nursing. We coslept which made things a little easier, but it was so hard many, many nights as my husband works nights and is a full-time student during the day. I felt like I never once got a break from parenting my high needs baby that didn’t like to sleep. But he eventually started sleeping better and by age 2, would nurse for a few minutes and then roll over and just go to sleep. And, he just magically started sleeping through the night at the same time. My second was a great newborn sleeper but around 4-5 months old, he started waking a lot more. But, honestly, it’s fine.
It’s very, very normal for a baby (especially a breastfed one) to wake every 2-3 hours at night until around age 2. I recall one study of James McKenna’s stating that on average most babies are physically not able to sleep through the entire night until age 2-2.5. Their physical needs and mental development is just too strong. Why should we hinder this growth by being unresponsive? This time is very short and vital to proper physical and mental development. As a mother of 1 horrible sleeper and 1 not-so-great sleeper, I can promise you, that eventually they will sleep!! By being responsive to my boys, they transition easily and have developed health sleep habits that are conducive to any environment.
Thanks for your post!
Oh I feel you mama… those nights are long… I get so jealous when hearing of my friends babies who sleep for 2-3 hours at a time. Oh, what I would give for 2-3 hour blocks of sleep! Haha.
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s really important that people realise that frequent waking is normal and natural baby behaviour.
Great article!
I am going to bookmark it, so I can read it after challenging nights with my 4 month old. Those are the days when it is really hard to see the positive’s of sharing sleep and waking a gazillion times a night. I can cope really well with two wake ups, I actually really love the nights with two wake ups. We snuggle and it’s bliss. But grumpy Mummy comes out at the third wake up :/
You always seem to post about issues that are relevant to me at the right time, Imogen.
We must be in similar life stages
So glad you enjoyed it. I feel your pain; Squish is 5 months old and for about a month and a half he has been waking hourly or more through the night, and as we cannot co-sleep at present it is bloody hard to meet his night time needs. I have started swaddling him again and as a result he sleeps for a good 3-5 hours at the beginning of the night! I don’t know whether swaddling would be an option for you but it might be worth trying. My Squishy hated it as a newborn but loves it now.
That’s funny, we’ve just started swaddling him a few nights ago and he too hated it as a noob. It has cut down the number of wake up’s which is great.
hmm, it sounds like our boys are in cahoots!! haha <3
I’m not rubbing it in, you know I’m not – I’ve been horrendously fortunate in that Saraya slept through the night [bar 1 night of teething when she briefly woke at 1am for about 10mins] since she was 8w old and is still doing so. I never had to “train” her, she was breast fed too so like you say you can’t really train them to sleep through the night – she taught herself. In saying this I don’t AP, recently her napping has been a bit erratic because of my recurrent hospitalisations and as such she has started napping on my knee because she became distressed if put to bed for a nap although this is a sporadic habit! I really hope Squish learns sooner rather than later for your sanity!!! <3
i did actually use controlled crying at 12 months onwards after one week my daughter slept perfectly. It was not cruel she simply was protesting being put to bed even at the peek of her tiredness… now at 18months she has progressed into a bed and i only have to say it’s time for bed and she will just run up stairs and get into bed. I dont believe you should use the controlled crying on small babies that makes no sense but once they reach a level of understanding in my view its simply setting boundries I want an adult child relationship where i am the adult and in charge of what happens
Thank you for commenting!
Yes, I do see your point. I do think that it’s a different kettle of fish when it comes to older children. By the time my oldest was 14 months old he was reliably sleeping from 8-8 every night without any kind of training from us, so the issue of sleep training the older baby didn’t really come up. I do agree with you though that setting boundaries is important. I’m not sure that I would ever feel comfortable doing Controlled Crying but I would/will certainly set boundaries with bedtime when I feel that my babe is old enough to understand. We each know our kids best
You’ll see more what I mean if you read This article, about respectfully setting bedtime/sleeptime boundaries.
Thank you for your input!
This debate often seems to be divided into “pro” and “anti” camps with little common ground between the two, but I don’t see why this has to be the case. I am definitely “anti” sleep training in young babies, and “anti” full-blown CIO at any age, but I do believe there is a place for a gentle “controlled crying” type of approach in much older babies/toddlers.
My son was the kind of baby who hated falling asleep, he really fought it every night (he just seemed like he didn’t want to miss anything!), although once he was actually asleep he wasn’t too bad at staying asleep (at least no worse than was normal for his developmental stage), however once he woke in the night we had the same trouble with getting him back to sleep. The only way he could fall asleep was during a feed (but if he woke up as you were putting him down it was back to square one!), or by rocking him for a VERY long time.
Up until the age of about one I just dealt with it, but just before he was about a year old I decided he really needed to learn to fall asleep without me rocking him for ages! Rocking a tiny baby is easy enough, rocking a one year old gets rather tiring after the first 5 minutes, especially if you’ve been woken up in the middle of the night! The first step I took was to move from rocking him in my arms to rocking him by “jiggling” his mattress, which seemed to work but wasn’t really much easier for me (I remember many a night of severely aching arms!). So I basically did the whole controlled crying thing but VERY slowly & gradually, trying my best to make him feel secure. It was difficult but it worked remarkably quickly and he began to settle himself happily. He never seemed in any way traumatised by the experience. I never had any kind of “relapse” as described in “reason #2″, yes being ill or having a change in routine might mean he needs a bit of extra support in settling himself but I’ve never had to start the controlled crying again.
I think there is a vast difference between trying this with an older child and with a very young baby. By the time I tried this with my son I was able to reassure him verbally & explain what was going on a bit – a young baby has no way to understand why their caregiver is “abandoning” them and has no way to communicate other than crying. An older child has had time to learn that their parent is there for them and has had repeated proof that they love them very much, a young baby is more vulnerable to this learning being disrupted. I would never try something like this with a baby only a few months old as some parents seem to, I just don’t think it’s suitable for kids that young. And there is a big difference between something like controlled crying (where the length of time in which the child is left to cry is very gradually extended from one night to the next, and in the early stages the parent is providing comfort and reassurance on a regular basis) and a more extreme “cry it out” approach where the child is just left crying alone for as long as it takes. CIO is a much more harsh method that seems to expect the child to just cope by themselves and quickly teaches them that is hopeless to cry and that they cannot depend on their caregiver. Controlled crying eases the child into it much more gently, and lets them know that their parent is still there for them. I also think that controlled crying works best when a parent makes the effort to stay responsive & attentive to their child – for instance being aware of the way your child’s cries sound when there is something more serious wrong and responding differently under those circumstances. This way the child knows that when they REALLY need you (e.g. when they are ill, or have had a nightmare and need extra reassurance) you are there for them.
There is a danger in a blanket approach saying “all methods involving allowing a child to cry are bad in all circumstances” in leaving some parents running out of options and suffering for a very long time with severely disrupted sleep. I saw this in a close friend of mine, who refused to use any method involving crying until her daughter was at least 2 years old and had been a consistently bad sleeper from birth (waking every night until that point, sometimes several times each night). She’d tried all sorts of things but couldn’t bring herself to allow her child to cry for more than a few minutes. My friend was an absolute wreck by this point as she had not had a proper night’s sleep in 2 years, and she’d had a difficult pregnancy so she had never had the chance to fully recover from that either. It was only when it became clear that her mental & physical health was suffering that she finally decided to try controlled crying. It took a few false starts when she felt unable to continue with it before she finally bit the bullet and stuck to it, and she was able to get her daughter to settle herself and had pretty much her first full night’s sleep in 2 years! Her daughter is now a good sleeper and my friend is clearly so much happier & healthier, and I think it’s such a shame that her feelings of guilt at the idea of leaving her child crying led to her suffering so much. I don’t think having a mother who was such a wreck was good for the child either! The way that some people talk about allowing a child to cry as though it is child abuse is doing a serious disservice to parents who desperately need more options after suffering extreme sleep deprivation for far too long! It’s not being selfish as a parent to use a slightly more gentle “sleep training” method like controlled crying when you’ve tried every other reasonable strategy you can think of and your lack of sleep is affecting your ability to be a good parent and function as a human being during the day, but the “anti sleep training” rhetoric makes some parents feel as though it is.
This is exactly how I feel. I used a mild version of controlled crying with my daughter when she was 12 months old (and I was 3 months pregnant). I NEEDED sleep for my unborn son’s wellbeing as much as my own and it was really distressing to have people judging my decision in the same way they would a mother allowing a 6 week old to cry it out.
We made sure she knew we were there and we were very mindful of the type of crying and the length of time.
Thanks for putting it so succinctly…
I get this, I tried the CIO method with my first daughter, yeah, it didn’t work out so well. My 2nd son slept in his bed, in our room, I got up when he started to wiggle around and fuss, he would eat and go back to sleep. We didn’t have any problems with nighttime sleeping until he hit 2 years old, at this point he was waking up in the middle of the night screaming, he came into our bed and would sleep all night so we let him, he just turned 6 and has been happily sleeping in his own bed in his own room for 2 years. I miss having him in our room. This baby is 2 months old, I keep reading about how he should be waking up at night, for the past 2 weeks he has been sleeping from about 11pm to anytime between 6 and 8am without waking up, He cluster feeds before he goes to sleep.. should I be concerned that he isn’t getting up to nurse? Should I be waking him up? Last night he went to sleep at 10:30, he made some noises around 4 but didn’t ever open his eyes (i was awake lol) so i went back to sleep. Why am i stressing over a baby who DOES sleep LOL
Of course I am no expert but as a fellow mama I would say… enjoy it while it lasts! Lol… I only say that because my Squishy was much the same at that age, until he hit 3.5 months old and started waking every 45 minutes – or MORE – through the night until he was nearly 7 months old. How is your baby’s weight gain? As a breastfeeding supporter, I would be inclined to say that if he is gaining well, meeting milestones, peeing lots and otherwise developing well, there is no need to wake your baby to feed through the night. Of course, if you are concerned, waking him to feed him isn’t going to do him any harm!
Thank you for your comment!
lol, yes i’m enjoying it while it lasts I can’t help but feel as if he’s letting me store up some much needed sleep right now! and yes weight gain is great, as well as everything else. xxx l
In that case, enjoy your sleep mama! Long may it continue!
A child must first acquire a healthy, trusting dependence with her primary care giver before she can learn to have a healthy, trusting independence. And that cry? There is a reason why it stirs mama’s heart so—she is supposed to respond! That’s how baby learns to trust and bond.
Our daughter just turned two. And we just weaned. I get so tired of people saying to just let her cio. Our bed is her bed. She started sleeping through the night about 3 months ago. We tried cio several times but we just couldn’t do it. The crying is not a mad cry but a terrified cry. My husband and I are wussies. But we are wussies who get to snuggle with our baby all night!
Please oh please publish point 6 loud and clear. When my daughter started on ‘training’ her baby to sleep longer it resulted in poor weight gain and risk of failure to thrive. Every suggestion from me was poo pooed because baby did start almost sleeping through the night at 4 months but at 5 months she almost fell off the weight chart. Luckily my daughter started feeding her whenever she woke – then baby started waking more and feeding more and has improved no end. But all those books on training baby carried more weight than I did.
I suspect all this ‘training’ is because so many mothers return to work within two years – sometimes within months and a nights sleep is important to the mother. No-one is willing to face up to the fact that babies need Mum for at least the first two years and parents and society should plan for a two year break. The plethora of books claiming babies can be ‘trained’ is scary. My comments around the whole subject were scorned as out of date. But then I discovered 30 odd years ago that my brains seemingly fell out with the placenta and being Mum means I also don’t know anything. I have two degrees by the way (recently retired from my career) but consider my parenting as the most important job I have ever done.
Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so pleased to hear that your daughter saw the light and stopped listening to the books. What kind of world do we live in that our babies are allowed to starve for the sake of sleeping through the night
The whole assumption that babies are manipulative and in need of training is very, very worrying. How far from our instincts have we strayed?
I also totally agree with your comment about babies needing their mums for at least the first two years. I think most parents would probably choose to stay home for that long if it were a choice! Unfortunately so many of us simply have to return to work sooner than that – what a shame
Hi, great to read your article, Imogen, and great to hear everyone’s responses. You have given me renewed confidence that I AM doing the right thing by listening and responding to my baby and that his current latest sleeping pattern (waking every 2 hours at night and an extra 1-2 feeds) WILL pass and in the meantime, he’s getting just what he needs. Was beginning to doubt myself after hearing and reading too many people saying what he ‘should’ be doing at his age. Thanks!
all i can say is thankyou. makes mefeel like i am doing the right thing i have a 2.and a half yr old and a 14 month old 17 months apart both wake and end up in my bed. i never sleep trained it completly goea against me i cant let my kids cry, but i was starting to feel like a bad mum when parents around me would brag about getting thier kids to sleep all night self settle, and then i would have my sister tell me its my fault because im to soft and run to thier every cry. so thanks for reminding me of why i parent the gentle way,
Thank you so much for your comment! I’m glad that this has helped somebody. I’m sorry you have been feeling as though you have been doing something wrong. At the end of the day, mama knows best! Keep doing what feels right for you and what works for your family xx
Thank you! These are the reasons I tend to my 9.5 month old boy night after night after night. I figure that it won’t last for ever and get my partner to step in when he can do I can recoup sanity and sleep. As soon as I gave up on believing I was in control of his sleep and stopped seeing his waking as a parental failure and more an opportunity to cuddle him it got easier. No more sleep but easier to cope. X
I really want to parent this way, but I’m getting seriously frustrated with my baby (she just turned 1 year). Does she need a sleep schedule? How exactly do you do the sleep thing? We don’t co-sleep, as I desperately need my sleep to function and she moves constantly at night (we tried it for 3 months), so she’s in a crib in her own room, but I go in to nurse her if she cries. I have started to wait if she’s just making a little noise to see if she goes back to sleep, which I’m okay with. To get to the point, some nights we do her routine, I nurse her, and she goes to sleep and sleeps until her 11:30ish feeding, and goes back to sleep easily until her next one. But more and more, she is super restless the first part of the night. We haven’t been super consistent with putting her to sleep at the same time every night (which we used to be) or getting her up at the same time every morning (which we also used to be, because she would just wake up). Would this inconsistency in time be causing this restlessness? Or could it be something else? Also, I’m struggling with getting her to take 2 naps. I know she needs it, but she just won’t go to sleep for her second. Should I wake her up from her first one at an earlier time? I just want to feel like I’m being a good mom, and that she’s getting the sleep she needs, and I’m so confused!
Hi Naomi! Thank you for commenting.
As a mum with children who didn’t/don’t sleep much, I really really feel your frustration. I think with sleep things you just have to follow your heart and do what feels right. In my opinion, giving her a minute to see if she’ll settle herself at 12 months is no big deal. In fact, I started doing the same with Monkey at about that age – and discovered that he must have been crying in his sleep for a lot of the times that I would rush in there and whisk him out of bed, terrified that if I left him too long he would wake right up. He still does it now sometimes at almost 4 years old, if I peek in he is still fast asleep!
With naps, she could possibly be starting to transition to just the one nap. It can take a while for them to transition and it can be really tough, because they still *need* the sleep but they don’t *want* it for a while. Could it be worth trying to maybe get her to take her morning nap a little later, skipping the afternoon one and seeing what happens? Or, like you said, you could try getting her down and waking her a little earlier than you normally would. The transition to one nap from two can take a while. I found the transition from 1 to 0 with Monkey to be the hardest. Some days he would nap, other days he wouldn’t and for a while, if he napped he wouldn’t go to sleep until 11pm but if he didn’t, he would be awake every hour because he was so terribly overtired!
It’s not going to hurt her if you try out some different things. Babies are pretty good at setting their own schedules with regards to getting the sleep they need. I’m sure you are a fantastic mum xx
My son is 27 months now. I’ve never thought of myself as a parent who has refused CIO, always as one who didn’t need to use it, but honestly I think it was a subconscious choice. Don’t get me wrong, there have been nights where my little one pushed both my husband and I past our limits (between 15 and 20 months of age)and we left him in his crib to cry until he fell asleep. It has happened, a good 10 to 15 times, I’d say. But we’ve never thought of allowing him to cry himself to sleep as a method to sleep train.
Even now that he is 2, we still get the occasional poor night of sleep. Usually it is because he needs us. He has gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night and crawling into our bed, and that had begun to frustrate me. But he woke in his own bed this morning and when I woke up I was surprised to find myself a little sad that he wasn’t snuggled up against me. I actually went to check to make sure he was still breathing before I took my shower.
I really enjoyed this article. It was like a justification of why I chose to parent as I do and brought up points I did not think of.
In the spirit of playing devil’s advocate, I think it’s possible to enforce a reasonable and moderate method of sleep training. When I work with new parents as part of my consulting services for ABC Moms (a parenting training group here in Chicago), I tell them to follow a few basic steps. Maybe these will prove useful for some:
http://www.abcmomsinc.com/sleep-training-guide.html
Dana Burke
I think we can all appreciate how passionate you are about your children and how to raise them, but people on your site need to be aware that “one-size” does not fit all. Also, some things you advocate can be outright dangerous (i.e., no vaccinations), but I digress. As for sleep training, there are some things you listed here that are just not true. It’s not dangerous (there is no proof it contributes to SIDS deaths), it does not interfere with breastfeeding (my baby breastfeeds just fine), and it has not impaired our connection with our child. I have a 9-month old daughter who has been sleeping through the night since she was just over 4-months old, and yes we did sleep training. I know many people think this is selfish and strictly for the parents benefit but it’s more for the child’s benefit. We used the Ferber method which is a modified CIO. We decided against pure CIO for the reasons most of you have mentioned in this thread. Pediatricians will tell you that babies cannot self soothe before 4-months of age so we waited until after that and when she started sleeping longer stretches at night before we attempted it.
For us it was textbook Ferber. The first night she cried off and on for about 50 mins. I’m not going to go into Ferber details here but basically you comfort the baby for a short period of time and while increasing the time between comforting. It was hard to listen to her cry but we didn’t let it go on for too long before going in and eventually she went to sleep. The next night it took her 20 mins to go to sleep. The third night it was 40 mins. On the fourth night and thereafter we put her down, she would roll to her side and suck her fingers until she fell asleep. It took about 20 mins to go to sleep but she was very good at self soothing by then. That was at around 4.5 mos. Now, at 9 mos, she continues to go down easily most of the time. Occasionally she needs some affection before going to sleep and we give it to her.
The bottom line here is all parents need to do what’s best for their child. We chose to put our daughter down in her own room, never co-sleeping, since birth. We also chose sleep training and fairly strict routines. Babies thrive on routines because they know what to expect and when to expect it. Ours sleeps for about 11 hours or more each night and wakes up a very happy baby. She’s in the top 90-95th percentile and is developing beautifully. Am I suggesting everyone do what I did? No. It may not work for everyone. But don’t discount something like sleep training as being bad for your baby when that simply is not true.
Where on my blog have I ever said that I advocate refusing vaccinations? I don’t vaccinate my own children, but that’s as far as my advocacy goes….
I would like to respond further to your comment, when I am at the computer and can share relevant info and links as part of my response. Watch this space.
I’m trying to reply to your Nov 5th response to my comment but I’m not sure this is working correctly.
When I say you advocate not vaccinating children it’s like this… you have what I imagine are loyal followers to your blog. When you advertise in your bio that you do not vaccinate your own children, you advocate not vaccinating children by example. If in your bio you footnote that research proves that vaccinating children is safe and saves lives, then fine. But I think we all can correctly assume that by not vaccinating your children you are one of the minority that believe the unsubstantiated claims that vaccinations are more dangerous to children that not vaccinating them, otherwise you, as an obviously caring mother, would vaccinate your own children.
As for the relevant links… if you’re referring to “research” that proves vaccinations are less safe for infants than not vaccinating them, I don’t buy it. I’ve read many, MANY studies and vaccinations are directly responsible for lower infant mortality rates. You can believe what you want. That’s perfectly ok. I’m only commenting here because I believe people will follow your advice without doing their own research. I’d just like people to know there has been real scientific research done on many of the subjects you discuss in your blog and much of it goes against what you advocate (i.e., co-sleeping).
Thanks for listening.
I’m sorry, but that’s crap. By not vaccinating my kids I am not saying nobody else should. I am an advocate for informed choice – I am NOT an anti-vaccination lobbyist. People can choose for themselves, I will not ever put pressure on anybody to do what I do. How on earth you came to this conclusion is beyond me! Goodness. if an about me page on a blog is enough to sway somebody into making a decision that has implications for their child’s health, then the concern should be with them, not with me!
And the links I was referring to was for the research that has been done regarding sleep training, nothing to do with vaccinations. I don’t blog about vaccinations, never have and probably never will.
But thank you again for commenting. You’ve reminded me to hunt those studies down next time I’m on the computer.
Also, for somebody who seems so concerned with facts and accuracy, it is laughable that you insinuate that leaving your daughter to CIO had no negative effect on breastfeeding, therefore sleep training does not affect breastfeeding. You are very lucky that your daughter has had no issues there but believe me, plenty have and do. Breastfeeding works on supply and demand, and some women need to feed very frequently to maintain an adequate supply- especially at night.
And regarding co-sleeping, there has been plenty of research showing that it’s actually linked with lower rates of SIDS. The studies you are probably referring to are likely the flawed ones that include parents who have not followed safe co-sleeping guidelines.
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/07/co-sleeping-children-should-sleep-with.html
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/11/science-of-sharing-sleep.html
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/healthy-infant-sleep.html
i have some links to some peer-reviewed studies on the safety of bed-sharing when done correctly also, I have a child climbing on me right now so I will dig it out later, and reply again.
Also, I’m linking to this because I thought that you may find it interesting that even Dr Ferber himself has said that, knowing what he knows now, would never sleep train one of his own babies using his methods. http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/crying-it-out-causes-brain-damage.html
Here. http://cosleeping.nd.edu/articles-and-presentations/articles-and-essays/ http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/scientific-benefits-co-sleeping
Tomas- Im not to sure why you read this blog if you feel that way about it???
We are all adult here if someone chooses to decide to not vaccinate at all because Imogen doesnt and has it in her bio then thats just utter stupidity on the persons behalf and has nothing to do with Imogen she is simply stating she doesnt and maybe she has a good reason not to and while Im at it how dare you bring up shes not a caring mother because she doesnt seriously how about we bring it up about you not being a caring parent because you do cio oh hang on its modified version oh thats much better. Maybe you need to go and find another blog that suits your needs and leave this one to the people that appreciate it
My daughter Vivienne is now nineteen months and has started sleeping through the night on her own. I have had my moments in the middle of the night, being pulled from sleep by her cry, when I considered sleep training but I could never bring myself to do it. I trust her and I trust her crying is telling me something.
Our next door neighbor, on the other hand, sleep trains their son. Every time he gets ill or they go on holiday and return, they start all over again. I am privy to it because our bedroom is right next to his (we live in a condo). I listened to him last night screaming at the top of his lungs and banging on his crib for hours. It tears me up because he sounds so scared and helpless and I just KNOW he’s having an existential crisis.
It makes me angry but it is none of my business I suppose. All I know is I am up as soon as I hear my baby’s distress signal, which, is not often at all anymore. I think with time, a baby’s sleeping works itself out. She learns to trust you are there should she need you. Eventually she learns that very often, she doesn’t. It’s a process, I believe is better left to unfold naturally, if the parent can handle it.
Thanks for the article. I’m one hundred percent in agreement with you.
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m sorry about your neighbour; that would really get to me, too.
I sleep train my baby – but not by letting her cry. There are other ways to sleep train and the method that I tried worked effectively after only a couple of days and at no time was my little one left to cry in a dark room all by herself.
My little one gets put into her bassinet awake after showing sleep signs. If she cries, I go in and rock the bassinet until she settles down. Then I leave the room, and repeat if she cries.
It is a little unfair to say that you shouldn’t sleep train at all. My baby is now 11 weeks old and can put herself to sleep with NO crying 80% of the time. She doesn’t sleep through the night and I attend to her when she does wake by feeding her, changing her nappy and putting her straight back down. She puts herself back to sleep with minimum of fuss, and meanwhile I am getting much needed rest. While she doesn’t sleep through I am also not up all night holding her and trying to rock her to sleep as I was for the first 3 weeks of her life. She is also already learning the art of self settling and sucks on her hands to do so. When she wakes after 45 minutes during the day, she sucks on her hands and put herself back to sleep for another hour or so.
There are some very effective sleep techniques which DON’T involve letting a little one cry it out. Maybe the title in your article needs to be rethought?
I am glad I came across your blog. I have been dealing with a lot of night time wakings the past month, and I was coming to the end of my rope. I joined a Mother’s network on facebook, and I am shocked at how many women say CIO is the only way to do it. I was starting to think maybe they were right.
Yesterday (with the help of hubby) I took a lot of naps through the day. At night I was ready to stay up, and help my girl get used to her crib, and get some sleep. I took her about an hour of laying in her crib to finally get to sleep. The entire time I didn’t leave her side, and if she fussed I held her hand to calm her. I actually ended up getting a 5 hour stretch where she slept (which is a record for her). I feel so much better about the way I did it, and I don’t have any guilt over letting her cry alone in her crib.
I think tonight I will be doing the same thing, just to be sure she is okay.
My wife has been sleep training our son for last 2 weeks. I admit that some nights he falls asleep right away and never gets up till after 10 hours of sleep. But some nights he has a terrifying cry before falling asleep and some nights he gets up around 4am where I have to push my wife to feed him.Personally, I am not in favor of this. I need suggestions on how to get my wife to agree to have our son sleep with us. I am also willing to have her sleep in a separate room through the night.
I love this, thank you!! My son has very severe GERD. He is almost five months and sleeping has been an issue because a lot of his nights are filled with pain. My SIL keeps telling me that we should start sleep training with him and I just hate the idea. I have watched as she has to sleep train her son over and over and over again at the slightest change (he’s almost 2) and it just does not seem worth it. We want him to realize when he is tired, I want him to feel ok crying for me at night if his tummy hurts and I definitely don’t want to ignore those cries. My MIL thinks we should do it because it worked so well for our nephew..but seriously they sleep train him every month due to a new change. Is it really working that well? We have chosen to let him lead us on his sleep. He takes a nap at 9, 1, and 4 and is usually in bed for nighttime sleep at 7-7:30 only waking twice for feeds. I’d say that is a pretty consistent sleep schedule..one that he choose! Thank you so much for this post, thank you for reminding me why I decided I didn’t want to do this.
I am happy that I am not the only mother that jumps when her baby starts crying in the night, I will be honest after I have fed her and changed her diaper I have put her back in her crib where sometimes she will fuss a little or play with the blankets and her hands but I can not leave her to cry for more than 5 mins and that seems to be the most, I keep getting told by the grandparents that I have to let her cry herself to sleep but what they do not realize is if she starts wailing all I have to do the majority of the time is go in there pick her up and hold her while either patting her bottom or rocking and she is sound asleep within minutes. Is this not easier than listening to her scream for long periods of time. I have had to put her in her crib when I get frustrated but I am usually good to go after 5 or 10 mins of deep breathing and bringing myself back to reality, and again if she is screaming to the point where she is red in the face I just will not leave her, it scares me cuz when she really gets going like she can she starts to choke on her saliva and has a hard time catching her breath afterwards something I am not willing to do willingly especially if she is by herself.
My reasons for not sleep training are fairly simple. If I wanted a creature to train I would have got a puppy not a baby.
It’s not fair to expect my baby to understand I need sleep and get all her milk and mummy time during the day.
Allowing her to become so upset that it has consequences reaching into adulthood is wrong.
We desperately wanted our baby and had to work hard for years to get her.
Also my instincts tell me that if my daughter is trying to communicate with me by crying and I ignore her, our ability to communicate with each other will be affected. I want her to know that if she needs me I will always be there because she is part of myself.
Once as I came upstairs when she cried just as I went to pick her up she was violently sick. Shockingly so. She was about 5 months old. I was very upset after when I realised if I had sleep trained her she could have choked on her own vomit and died…. And I would have been downstairs congratulating myself on the monitor silence. It’s dangerous.
I agree. We tried the CIO method for one night and gave up. Just didn’t work for us. Controlled crying? That is just as bad. But we did finally find a way to “sleep train” our baby without tears, when he was about a year and a half. Details are here:
http://www.zujava.com/SleepTraining
It seems like this can be broken down into two school of thought. Pro sleep training vs. anti sleep training. I’m sure that both schools of thought can find valid points to support their positions. I think it comes down to balance. Whichever side of the fence you sit on, you’re going to find supporting evidence for your position. That’s just how the internet works. There are pros and cons to EVERYTHING! It’s a law of nature. This is why balance is important. I see just as many pros/cons for both schools of thought. To think your side of the fence is the golden path is absurd. Your method is right for you. As far as sleep training not being natural….I don’t know about that. If it wasn’t natural….it wouldn’t be possible. If it wasn’t natural, nature would not have given us the mental capacity to conceive of something like sleep training. If it exist….whether in thought or in the physical, it’s natural. Humans are complex, and we march to the beat of a different drum. We’re the only species that drives cars and reads books, so to say that sleep training is out of the realm of being natural is absurd. Yes….crying raises cortisol levels. So does running. Cortisol happens. We all release cortisol on a daily basis. It’s all about balance. We all need some Cortisol in our daily lives….it’s good for us. If it wasn’t, out body would not produce it from a very crucial thing like exercise! But….too much of anything is a bad thing, so I say find a balance. Find a sensible path. That’s being healthy. Sleep training or not….the poorest in this country live far better than the wealthiest 100 years ago….so I would say that both methods have worked out well for the species. Humans seem to be doing quite well. Balance….do what works for the family.
I understand that your ability to parent during the day can be severely affected by the sleep you dont get at night. I also understand that a tired baby/toddler/child finds it harder to fall asleep and fucntion during the day too.
however, whatever your opinion of your own experience, the science and research in terms of changes to a child’s physiology and psychological status is clear.
see margot sunderland’s book what every parent should know for clarification
I know my post is way late, but I just found this article and wanted to chime in. We have been dealing with a huge number of night wakings, some nights every hour or more with our now 6 month old. I was feeling sick during the day and semi-comatose at work and wondering how I was possible going to function. I am not a fan of CIO because (among many other reasons) I figure that most of the time, a baby is having some kind of developmental change and needs you, and there are gentler ways of promoting sleep.
A big increase in wakings started when my daughter was too distracted to nurse much during the day and was also going through a growth spurt. Then it seemed to morph into her not being particularly hungry at each waking, but wanting to nurse to sleep because she couldn’t figure out any other way to get back to sleep. One day I was afraid to go to work because I was so tired I was worried I would crash the car. I told my husband that we had to figure out how to reduce the wakings. I don’t expect her to sleep 10-12 hours, but I know that she probably can go 4 hours without eating
The past few days we changed how we handle the night wakings. When/if she woke up 45 minutes after going to sleep with a full feeding, my husband comforts her back to sleep, boob-free. When she wakes between 10-midnight, I fed her tank her up (ad cozy her up!) as much as possible. Then when she wakes after midnight or so, hubby’s back on the scene: he picks her up, rocks and comforts her back to sleep. The first night she cried on and off in his arms for nearly an hour and that was rough for me. Then she didn’t wake again until 4:15. The second night, same routine, except less crying, fewer wakings; third night, even less time before she went back to sleep until 5:30. I am feeling much more human again with some rest! When she wakes in the early am (between 4 – 5:30) I feed her and she sleeps for another hour or more in the bed with us, rather than in her cosleeper.
I think that in your exhaustion it can be very hard to try to do anything differently. Enlisting the help of your partner can be great. I was feeling resentful of him snoozing through most of those wakings! Good luck, mamas!
This is your blog, and I appreciate that you have a message to put out there, but I simply don’t agree with much of this. I have two excellent sleepers (ages 3 and 5 now). I didn’t ever make the decision to CIO or otherwise. I researched early (infant) child development and have a medical background, as well so I truly just wanted to raise a healthy, well developed child. WIth my first, he preferred being swaddled and laid down when he was sleepy, even as a newborn. He would become increasingly agitated if I tried to rock him to sleep. I know that’s not the norm. I formed a flexible schedule around breastfeeding and napping, taking leads from his cues. I don’t believe in a staunch schedule, but I do believe that children do not come out of the womb knowing how to nourish and maintain good sleep hygiene. Parents have a role in instructing and guiding children into healthy habits and lifestyles. Because my son was fed regularly, he hardly ever got anxious about hunger and he ate a larger amount with each feeding and never really associated the breast with comfort and coping mechanisms. He did take a pacifier because all infants manage stress through their sucking reflex. I can count on one hand the nights when my son struggled to go to sleep. I would calm him and rub his back and tell him that it was time to sleep. If he cried I would return and repeat the process always calming him before I left him to fall asleep. Co-sleeping is dangerous and it’s been proven so. Although I never wanted my child to cry, I also know that crying, in itself, is not unhealthy (there are actually some health benefits, believe it or not, but that’s another story) and your child will cry many times before they are 3. It’s their communication. What I see parents do, especially those who do not model the basics of sleeping and eating, is set up a system of positive and negative reinforcement. When a 5 month old cries and the parent responds, the child’s act of crying is reinforced as the method of getting the parent’s attention. It seems this children actually cry more often and until a later age than some of the others that may have been able to pick some self-soothing and higher level communication skills. My second child is an excellent sleeper as well, but took almost the entire first year to sleep soundly all night. She would wake up once or twice a night and I could quickly get her back to sleep with a backpat and paci adjustment. I don’t like to say that because I’m bragging, I just think any child could learn to have healthy sleeping and eating habits if they are given general direction in these areas. It must be early on and with love and compassion, but I don’t see why a child’s cry means “please let me sleep with you and can you feed me every half hour”. Couldn’t a child’s cry mean “I don’t know what’s next, I’m stressed about being tired and never feel like it’s the same routine in each day. You are asking me what’s best for me at the moment, but how should I know, I’m a baby. I feel chaos”. No one really knows, but it’s bizarre to think that babies shouldn’t sleep deeply as you said above. Their brains are developing exponentially and require regular, long periods of sleep to stay healthy. My only other concern is the kind of mother you are able to be in a sleep-deprived state. Your baby needs the most patient, rejuvenated, present and healthy version of you everyday. If you are not allowing yourself sleep at night in lieu of enforcing that nighttime is for sleeping with your baby, you must be hurting and stretched thin during the day. I wish you the best and hope that you will find the perfect balance of flexibility and structure in your life.
Love your article, can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read. My LO is 4 months old and we both decided early on that there was no need to shut him away in a room from 7pm to 7am, it’s not like I’m going anywhere and becides I love having him around. We’re now in a pattern (don’t want to use the word ‘routine’ as I dislike it so much) that when we all go to bed 10:30pm me, hubbie and our dog our little one takes himself
off to sleep too. I didn’t bring him in the world to leave him to cry I just want to love and nuture and watch him grow!
Loved your post!! I have been contemplating CIO with my 9 month old, did it one night… Never again… He has never slept through the night (never!) but I cannot bare to hear him screaming for me, while I ignore his needs…
I just read your beautiful article on how you overcame PPD and then I come to an attachment parenting thing. These kind of articles make me feel guilty. They make me feel like I’m a bad mom. I had crippling PPD with my daughter and I was very ‘hands off’ which means it was easy to sleep train her. She is THE happiest and most attached child on the planet now and our household has become a wonderful one with our loving family. I spiraled into PPD with the articles about BF and co-sleeping and just about every other controversial topic under the sun. This year its attachement parenting, next year it’ll be some new thing that the superwonderfulgreat parents do.
What I’m trying to get at is that articles about the ‘dangers’ of not co sleeping or feeding on command or whatever else is up for discussion can make moms with PPD’s self worth feel even more out of sync. Everyone should just let each other raise our children the way we know how. They will all most likely turn out to be in the ballpark of normal. You can’t tell a c-section baby from a ‘natural birth’ baby, you can’t tell a BF from non BF, you can’t tell which parents fed their kids grass fed ground beef…
I agree with this article whole-heartidly. My baby rarely EVER cries and that is because I get to him before he gets that way. Why on earth would anyone want to teach their children to deal with things by crying until they can’t cry anymore. I will sacrifice my own sleep to make sure my baby is comforted and comfortable.
Thank you for this. Just reading this post and thinking about my LO CIO made me sick to my stomach.
Are we allowed to leave comments saying that we don’t agree, too ? Am asking as I dont see any. My LO is 6 months and after 2 days of sleep training sleeps in his own bed, in his own room since his 4 months. I am very happy with this and so is he. He loves his bed and even plays by himself in the dark, never cries from distress or feeling left alone only anger from over-tiredness. Also he is VERY attached to me and I am still nursing him (no problems there), actually only started a little weaning today. Usually he sleeps from 10.30 to 7 ish every night (10.30 I wake him to nurse as he goes down at 7 and its too long a stretch for him without food). Basically I am doing the oposite and yet none of the 8 reasons happened to us. Question: As you say crying is dangerous, do you never leave your baby to cry ? Because that is not good either…
Anyway to be honest, I feel attacked by your article because I sleep trained my LO and it sounds like we , parents who do sleep train are terrible parents. Any way just my opinion on this. Hopefully you don’t delete it because it is negative.
Plus Jonah does not sleep when he is in our room or our bed. Also I feel you are saying that we are going ot be bad parents because we sllep trained him (#7)
I love this article. I’ve been struggling to sleep train my son who tends to need me there to sleep, I’ve only decided to sleep train my son because his grandmother, my mother, said if he cries to leave there until he falls asleep. Now with that being sad, number 3 on this list brought about concern and curiosity. I the son of my mother, the woman telling me to leave my child to cry himself to sleep, have been known to be overly aggressive at times, and I wonder if this may have been caused by my mother attempting to sleep train me. Don’t get me wrong I grew into a good adult man, and as I see it a great first time father, obviously my mom did something right, it’s just a bit of curiosity. The concern is that happening to my son. I don’t want him growing into an aggressive boy, teen, man. I do thank you because this article has been a huge eye opener for me.
This is a veeeery late post, but just had to say thanks gor writing this! I’m far from being an all natural mama. I formula feed and choose to vaccinate etc. But because I’ve chosen to not cio I’ve gotten alot of nagging. “You’ll be saying your 12 year old is just too little” blah blah…also thanks for not shoving your opinions down others throats- I was told vaccinating my baby is the same as allowing him to drown. I’m a huge believer in allowing people to make their OWN CHOICES. And I feel this article is really saying that.
Thankyou so much for having this out there. This has really helped me with continuing with what I’m doing as a mother. I knew deep down that what I was doing was right but when u get to that point when you are that tired you do start looking for other solutions, but the reality is your baby needs you day and night and as a mother your role is to be there. I love my daughters and will continue doing what u seem to be doing and I know I will be a guilt free parent with 2 very stable and happy girls who have a great bond with me and each other. I kno that by 12 months my youngest will be settled and sleeping miles more than she is now. And why try and rush this process? No job rushed is a good job something always gets effected, just like anythin in life! Do it right the first time and you won’t need to do go back and do it again
I’m sorry. But I feel this list is ridiculous.I believe in raising a confident self soothing child.don’t get me wrong I cuddle, kiss, console my children. But there is a time for sleep and I most definitely have no issue Lessing my kids soothe themselves to sleep. There is no medical reaction to the CIO method, and to state otherwise is misinformed and misleading. The unfortunate thing about posts such as this is it offers new mothers doubt and useless knowledge for them and their new babies.
When my daughter came into the world my partner and i had no idea there were different parenting techniques. we took the advice of our early child health nurse. this advice consisted of controlled crying, feeding every 3 hours, and aiming for a full uninterupted sleep at night. my baby was a whole 2 weeks old. the nurse also wanted us to put her in her own room, and advised giving cooled boiled water from a bottle to ‘sooth’ her during her agonising desparate screams. we did this. during the hellish couple of weeks we were doing this i fealt we came close to drowning her in that water. we endured hours of desparate crying. my poor poor sweet little girl. we decided the nurse had no idea. we went back to following our instincts after two weeks of torture. my daughter was affected; during a routine check up my gp noticed on her growth chart that the 1month head circumference was smaller than it should have been and asked me what had happened between 1 week and 1 month. i told her and she recommended following my instincts with cuddling, feeding and sleeping.
Thank you for so articulately saying everything I’ve wanted to scream every time I hear people talk about sleep training. It IS wrong and I agree with everything you said. Thank you for having the courage and the words to do so.
I think this is a great article. I’d like to know hat u think about sleep training for toddlers… My daughter is 2 and has always gone to bed by hersef naturally. Now, since we’ve had a second baby, she wants us to lay with her while she falls asleep. She likes to pinch our hands to soothe herself lol. I def don’t mind spending some time with her to help her settle down and fall asleep. But it takes her on average about an hour to fall asleep. My husband or I end up falling asleep, and then its so hard to get up, we either just stay asleep, or can’t get anything done after cause we r so tired. And she goes to bed early, like 7 or 7:30. So it’s getting in the way of a lot. This has been going on for about 4 months. Should we let her cry it out now that she is older?
HI! We had this problem with my now 3.5 year old. I would say you might try moving it an out til 8ish, but for us at 7-7:30 we start book reading. He gets his milk and then we read for 30-1hr. This helps settle him so he can fall asleep faster. I would not advise no nap at 2 (you know your kid best) but from our experience that just ment he was falling asleep at 6pm but up at 4-5am. If you like mornings, more power to you, but I preferred atleast getting to 6am. Also, we started a “you are allowed to read by yourself time” we slowly initiated it and this let him spend that extra hour by himself. I know people will disagree with this but by 18-24 months your child should be able to play alone for a small amount of time. I am not saying cry…. I am saying play/read. He reads in his bed then falls asleep. I think by this age its letting them feel loved and you are there when they want you, but they can be alone for alittle bit to sleep.
Adrianna…. here are a few suggestions that may help your 2 year old fall asleep faster. (1) You may want to try cutting out her nap or shortening her nap (if she atill takes one). The nap may be causing her to not be tired at night, hence why it takes an hour for her to fall asleep. (2) You may want to try putting her to bed later, maybe around 8:30-9:00. Her current bedtime coukd be too early and she may just not be that tired at 7:30. (3) Try late afternoon / early evening activities like taking walks, playing at the park or turning on music and dancing. It’s fun, good exercise and will help naturalky tire her out and cause her to fall asleep quicker. If you combine all 3 of these things, you will probably only have to lay with her for 5-10 minutes and she will be asleep : ))
On a side note… I was very disturbed to see someone write that they were advised [by some nurse] to let their 2 WEEK OLD NEWBORN BABY cry it out and that they followed this advice and let a newborn baby scream for hours at night. It is NEVER advised to let a newborn baby “cry it out“!!!!! I am so confused how someone would think that was ok, nevermind suggest it?? I know CIO is controversial and has pros/cons and two sides, but I assumed it is common knowkedge and common sense that CIO is NOT to be used with newborn babies. Letting a newborn baby cry for hours every night is [by law] considered child negligence, is extremely harmful to the baby’s growth and development, and is a failure to meet the baby’s basic need for food!! Newborn babies NEED to be attended to day and night, and newborns will NEED to eat every 3 hours or so (day AND NIGHT!!) I can’t even imagine the emotional distress that newborn baby went through with being starved of food and attention every night for the 1st month of her life : (( I am sorry to sound judgemental to the poster of that comment, but I just cannot understand why you took that advice or how you did not know that was dangerous and negligent?? Everyone knows that it is expected that new parents will be sleep deprived bc of having to feed and care for their newborn at night. It seems absurd that any adult would think it is normal to come home from the hospital with their newborn baby and just let her scream all night, every night without tending to her and feeding her!! Anything and everything u read anywhere (internet, books, magazines, hospital discharge papers for a new mom) clearly state that a newborn baby needs to be fed every 3 hours or so, therefore how could it be possible to not know this?!?! #mindbogglingtoinfinityandbeyond
It’s mean… Just plain wrong. You know in your gut when you hear your child screaming for you that’s its wrong! At least I did when I tried it out of desperation , it didn’t last very long of course, after hearing him scream for what felt like forever ( even tho it was a few minutes) I walked in the room to comfort him like the say to do, but the look in his eyes….. I couldn’t do it… I scooped him up and that was the end of that! Now with my 2nd child I know never to try that foolishness again…. It’s terrible!
I just stumbled on your blog in a moment of extreme frustration over my little guy’s suddenly erratic non-sleeping after months of sleeping 10 hours at night. Thank you for what you write here and in other entries. I consider myself a “kind-of” attachment parent and have had a really hard time finding others who are not extreme one way or another. My friends and family all tell me “let him cry it out” and it just doesn’t sit well with me. I get a lot of judgment about being too much of a softie. But when I look for support online, all I seem to find are the gung-ho attachment parents who are often judgmental about any sort of separation between parent and baby. I appreciate your attitude in what you write. Thank you for the encouragement.
I love this article! My 7 month old has been in bed with us since Day 1. In the hospital I refused to put him in the crib because I couldn’t have got him out again if he cried (I’d had a CS and couldn’t move much), so I even slept with him there, with the complete support of the midwives on duty, though I’d have fought it if necessary.
At home we have a bedside cot which he spends part of the night in (that took time – it was too far away from us at first) but once he needs a feed he’s pulled over into our bed and generally stays there for the rest of the night. We’ve had lots of nights away in hotels, and even a long weekend camping, and he always sleeps with us, and sleeps well.
He does wake during the night for feeds, but half the time I really couldn’t tell you how often, because I can put him on the breast without waking up properly, and then go back to sleep letting him get on with it. I don’t feel at all sleep-deprived, and on the few occasions where I’ve been a bit tired I’ve just had a nap with him during the day.
If he cries (or often before he gets to that point), that is his way of communicating that he needs us. These days there is a degree of flexibility during the day – times when he is cross rather than distressed, and I know he’ll be fine if I take a minute or two to finish what I’m doing. But when he’s tired there is no negotiation – to have a good quality of sleep, he needs to feel safe, and making him feel abandoned is really not going to do that. So co-sleeping at night, and babywearing during the day, and the result is a chilled, happy, flexible, adaptable baby, and unstressed parents. What’s not to like?!
i am so glad i read this! i have a 7 yr old daughter… who i still co-sleep with… because when she was a baby i just couldn’t abandon her… and that’s what it felt like every time i tried to let her cry it out. i now have a 6 month old son and find myself doing the same things… at first he was very easy to lay down after nursing to sleep… and would sleep a few hours at night before waking to nurse again but then back to his crib… however in the last couple months he seems to want to be with me while sleeping… and is nursing a lot during the night, in bed with me, and i am so torn about what to do. there is so much advice and so much judgement over what i should do with my children. i tried to lay him in his crib tonight, after nursing to sleep, and he woke up screaming. and cried for over 1 1/2 hours. and the whole time i felt awful and bad and wrong. like you said it goes against everything in me not to comfort and take care of him. it’s not like they will sleep with me for ever.. I won’t have to go to college with them so they can get to sleep. but i do agree that they need to know that they can trust that i am always there for them… even at night. and i even learned a few things… about the cortisol and such. so yes i agree… and thank you for not making me feel like a failure!!!!
I have just found your blog site and really enjoyed reading articles on this subject – we are in the middle of what I can only describe as THE most challenging period of parenting we have experienced so far – and wanted to share what we are going through partly to help others but mainly to hopefully get some suggestions and views to help us resolve and get through this – because we are at breaking point!! Our little boy is 10 months old. He was an amazing sleeper from 0-6months. He was sleeping 12 hours when he was 4 months old. Then we flew from the uk to Canada, and home again when he was six months old, and this marked the start of what has now been 4 months of tear jerking sleep deprivation. I dont think that the trip is a key factor in this, but it was serioulsy like he never got over jetlag.
Our typical night goes something like this.
After the usual dinner and bathtime routine, followed by an extra “pre bed time” supper of wheatabix (just in case its hunger) He now goes to bed, falls asleep immediately at around 8pm – he is out before I even walk out of the room. But, at 2am every night without fail, he is wide awake. Banging on his crib like a drum, screeching, crying, giggling. On a good night he is awake for 2 hours. Last night he was awake from 2 am until 6. My alarm goes off at 6 for work – and nights like these happen about 4 times per week. Some of my thoughts:
1. He has cut 6 teeth in four months, and is a terrible teether. There are weeks when he is clearly teething and in discomfort, ok this helps explain to a certain extent. But alot of the time he is just wide awake, happy and wants to play.
2. His crib is still in our room. I know this is not ideal. He has a big sister who is 21 months and the long term plan is that they will share a room. I can not bring myself to move him into her room until his sleep regulates. So, at the moment we are kind of stuck with him in our room. He knows we are there obviously, and it can be a game to get our attention. But what do you do?
3. I have cut daytime sleep down to bare minimum. He now sleeps 20 mins in the morning, and is allowed 45 mins max in the afternoon. Before I started cutting back, he would easily sleep 45 mins in the morning and a full 2 hours in the afternoon. This has not appeared to make any difference.
4. He is one of the most happy, content and agreeable babies, according to other peoples observations. Litterally an angel by day, and a complete monkey by night.
Reading the article on 8 reasons to avoid sleep training – I really agree with all points, especially when we are talking about young babies. But when you have a 10 m old (who looks more like a 15 month old, not that this is an important point but to me he is more like a toddler now than a baby) who clearly just wants to play in the middle of the night and you are at breaking point, going to work some days with less than two hours sleep – could it not be said that all babies are different and indeed some may need some form of sleep training and discipline? Would welcome all suggestions and tips.
Great well researched article, totally enjoyed it, but i still feel that a little discipline is still necessary.
Thank you. I found this article very interesting but if I’m honest, it has still left me unconvinced that sleep training is not a good idea.
My daughter is 14 months old and has been sleeping through since she was about 2/3 months old. This is the norm in France and yes I was breastfeeding.
So maybe I just got lucky? Of course that’s possible but I also trained her to sleep at nap times and at night. Eat/ play/ sleep was what worked for us!
I love my daughter to bits and I chose to train her to sleep for very good reasons too…
That being said, a difference in opinion will not stop me sending big hugs to all you Mums who are sleep deprived. As stated in the article, it will not last forever!!!
I really needed to read this today! My 7 month old is waking up more often at night and is having screaming fits at bedtime. I started to research sleep training and came across your article. I had started to doubt myself and thought sleep training was the only way to go. Thank you for your wonderful words! I am going to go snuggle my little guy now
Thank you!
I appreciate this point of view, however, I recently used the Ferber method to help my 6.5 month old sleep at night. He is a MUCH happier baby all around. We still have a wonderful bond and relationship, in fact, I know that he smiles and plays more now that he is actually rested. He used to spend much of his day whining and irritable. I did a lot of reading before deciding to do this. I don’t disagree with much of this reasoning, but as for labelling it “cruel” – I felt more cruel making him try to function without sufficient rest. I also read that as far as the cortisol thing goes, there is a study that shows that if parent is checking on baby at regular intervals that not all babies release cortisol when crying under these circumstances (because they are being comforted and reassured).
Yes, it was hard, but I do not think that giving my son a good night sleep is unreasonable or unnatural. And I hope that in the future I will be able to make other good parenting decisions for my son, even if they are tough. I think Elizabeth S’ speculation is correct: all babies (and mommies for that matter) are different and need different things. Let’s try to support each other!
Thank you! I have been struggling with sleep issues with my 5 month old for just over a month now. She’s waking up several times a night to nurse and I have received super negative judgement for still feeding her and getting up to rock her back to sleep. I tried letting her cry in the crib while I rubbed her tummy last night it did nothing but put me in tears and then I rocked her half the night out of guilt! I am sharing this with every mom I know! I feel validated now like I’m not crazy for going to my daughter I am just a good mom! Good for all of you who would rather give up sleep than let our angels cry it out
Thank you for this post I needed a stern reminder of the importance of allowing my boys to develop as they are ment to. I am the mother of three boys. I never allowed my oldest son to CIO because it never felt right. I have been blessed with twin boys that are 6 months olds and do not sleep much at all. My husband works nights so I am all alone and last night my head never hit the pillow. Dragging myself to work today was not easy and I was starting to consider letting my twins try the cry it out method.
My two month old has an underdeveloped esophagus. She wakes gasping for air or choking on saliva. She needs to stay as calm as possible. I NEVER let her cio. It results in occasional burnt dinner , super sonic fast showers & many sleepless nights. It is dangerous to let her cry. She has herself on basic schedule but if she veres off that’s ok!
LOVE this! I, like you, refuse to let my baby cry it out. It just breaks my heart when she cries and I do everything I can so that she doesn’t cry! Right now my little girl is 5 months old and since the very first day she was born has slept in my arms! Lately I have been trying to crib train her because my husband and I have not been sleeping well since she is bigger and moves around more and it has been off and on difficult! The method I’ve been using is when she cries after I put her in her crib, I hold her and comfort her and then lay her back down. Sometimes she goes to sleep after fussing for about a minute but sometimes she cries harder than before. I pick her up, nurse her in the bed and as soon as she’s done I put her back in her crib and she sleeps til she’s hungry again or needs comfort. So far it’s working and I’m up a lot at night but I’d much rather her know I’m always there for her than for her to lose trust in me and be left scared and feeling helpless and alone! Do you have any tips for crib training? I love co sleeping but it’s getting harder and harder to sleep on our full sized bed with her lol
Loved this article…I have a baby who is not a great sleeper and definitely not great at going down herself but there is something inside me that just can’t do sleep training or anything like that. This makes me feel better as people keep offering unhelpful advice that goes against how I want to do things. We now have a little routine of story, lights off, song, reassurance mum or dad is there until she falls over..she is only 6.5 months, a wee new thing.
Thanks for this! I believe that you’re advocating “go with you gut and not what some book says.”
thank you for that!
We’re having trouble with NAPS not night sleep (he sleeps with me) and a lot of people suggested the pick up put down method and 15 min into it he had scratched his head all up and I was beside myself.
He’s going to be too big to fit in my lap one day and ill miss this.
Kids don’t keep, right?
My son is currently 6 months old and we cosleep and BF on demand. I think you make a lot of really good point in this article but I have to say that as another parent whose own mother left me to cry it out (from day 1 no less, gotta love 1950s American “science” that some people still buy into) I disagree with 2 and 4. In the case of point 2, I wasn’t out of whack when we changed locations as far as sleeping goes. But then again, I knew once I was put down, my mom wouldn’t be back for 6 hours. It didn’t matter if I didn’t cry or if I cried for hours. If I was teething or sick. So I suppose being dejected lead me to not fight being put down, even if we were on vacation or I was at grandma’s house.
Regarding issue 4, I trusted my mother with every fiber of my being as a child. I sincerely believed she did everything out of love and that she was perfect. This despite being raised in an exclusively CIO, regularly-spanking home. Now, I realize that my mom projected perfection because she did not want her methods to be questioned. But CIO didn’t keep me from trusting my mother. In fact, in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way, it did the exact opposite.
Coming from this background has led me to really despise CIO. That said, if my son is tired I will let him cry for a few minutes to wear himself out. If it leads to him getting worked up instead of exhausted, I go back for him.
Thank you so much for this article! I am blessed with a 13 month old girl and the only way that I can get her to sleep is co-sleeping. When she turned 6 months old I tried the crying method and I HATED it! I cried too! I couldn’t stand to listen to my girl be so upset. Sometimes she would sleep, most of the time she didn’t and sometimes it would seem like she was learning to sleep on her own but after 6 weeks we all were zombies and sick and I couldn’t stand it anymore and I brought her back in bed with me. Now I look back and I feel terrible for letting that go on for 6 weeks. My baby still wakes up often, even sleeping right next to me. But co-sleeping is the only way she will sleep for long. Although there are times when I am so frustrated that I don’t know what to do anymore, I love being so close to my little girl and one day I will look back and wish I could just snuggle with her again. Reading this article helped assure me that even though it is tough sometimes, I am doing the right thing. It is also very helpful to co-sleep while breastfeeding.
Thank you so much for this. I have 9 month old twin boys who i bf on demand. These little monkeys wake more times than I can count, but instinctively I know letting them CIO is wrong. It’s wonderful to read such a well written piece setting out why it’s wrong. I am often made to feel like I am slightly mad because I will not sleep train them.
Kacey, I know exactly how you feel. I have 6 month old B/G twins and I also bf on demand. They wake 2-3 times a night (often, more) to nurse, sometimes out of hunger, sometimes for comfort. Either way, I have no problem waking up to meet their hunger or snuggling needs. However, like you, when I tell folks they’re not sleeping through the night, they (usually moms and usually strangers) give me this “wow something is wrong with your kids” look and then proceed to give unsolicited advice about how they got their kids to “sleep through the night at 3 months”. ARGH. Mama, thank you for this wonderful piece. I was seeking validation for what I am choosing to do for my children, and I found it here.
I loved this! I feel like I could have written this myself (though not as eloquently!) Great points mama!
I love this article!!! I’ve had to listen to countless arguments from my boyfriend & family etc about how I should give him a bottle just before bed and I should leave him to cry it out!! I really wanna tell them a few things that are unsuitable to put in print. I stuck to my guns and now my baby falls asleep about 10-11pm and wakes up at 7.30am.. He is coming up for 13 weeks, so I am prepared that it could all change, but was wondering if he isn’t feeding at night, could he be missing out and should I wake him? Thanks
x
Hello Lynne,
Glad that you enjoyed the post.
Regarding your question, I think the answer is “It depends”. There are a few schools of thought on this, but the general advice is If he is over 11lbs he is fine to sleep through the night. Under 11lbs, his body might not have enough stores and should still be feeding more often.
I found this discussion that should give you some insight; http://www.circleofmoms.com/young-moms-aged-20-30/is-it-bad-to-let-my-2-month-old-baby-sleep-through-the-night-422142
Hope it helps.
Thank you for this! I’m a first time mom and decided long ago that I would not leave my baby to cry. I have been criticized and heard so many times that I just need to let him cry it out. Sometimes it wears on me that everyone around me seems to be critical of this aspect of the way I’m parenting him. Thank you for the reminder of why I’m doing this!